A few nights ago I came home from work knowing that I really needed to mow the back yard. It was starting to get out of control.  Daniel mowed the front yard the week before and then he was sick as a dog for several days after. He used to mow my lawn for me sometimes when we were dating and never say a word about it making him sick. The things boys will do to get a girl to make out with them! He waited until I had promised him in public that I’d stick around in sickness and in health and then he started blowing his nose and moping about his head exploding with abandon. Now, because I love him, I keep our medicine cabinet stocked with good drugs and I usually mow the lawn.

Last Thursday night I knew that I needed to mow the jungle in the back yard before I started losing the dog in it when she went out to pee. I stood in the kitchen after work, my husband away at Guy’s Night, and I thought about changing into my mowing clothes while I scanned the fridge for dinner. There, on the top shelf, was a brand new carton of heavy whipping cream.

I found myself thinking, “I definitely need to make some homemade butter. NOW.” So, instead of mowing, I made butter in my Kitchen Aide Mixer.  I knew in theory that this was possible but I had never tried. It is so easy!

Here is my really difficult and detailed tutorial.

Step1
Buy some heavy whipping cream. You can get it from the grocery store.
I don’t remember what kind I got but it was not organic or from grass fed cows. I think it might have been store-brand. Nobody was out back giving these cows massages and reading them daily affirmations. (I assume, but who knows) My crunchy friends are probably gagging right now. That’s OK. You could also probably buy whole milk with the cream still in it if you know a dairy farmer. I don’t know any dairy farmers in Arkansas.  I might in Missouri, though.  Once we had some dairy cows on the family farm my Aunt lives on.  I helped her with milking a couple of times.  You have to get up really early in the morning. Every. Single. Day.  I will never be a dairy farmer. Instead I buy store-brand heavy whipping cream at IGA.

Step 2
Pour your whipping cream (non-organic or otherwise) into your mixing bowl. Don’t use the biggest container they have at the store. I used the middle one and I think it would have made a big mess splashing if I used the big one.  I probably should have told you that when I told you to buy some.  If you already bought the giant one, just don’t use it all at once.

Step 3
Use the whisk attachment and crank ‘er up. Don’t be afraid to bring her all the way up to 6 or 8, she’s a Kitchen Effing Aid Mixer. She’s tough. Ten got a little splashy for me, though.

Step 4
Grab your phone and check your Facebook. This is going to take a few minutes and you might get bored. Sometimes I read a book during these short bursts of waiting when it’s not enough time to complete some other task. 

Step 5
Pretty soon you’ll have whipped cream. It’s at this point that I realized I have never made whipped cream from scratch either and I’m definitely going to make some for strawberry shortcake this spring once we harvest enough strawberries for a batch.  If you bought the huge bottle of heavy whipping cream you can use the other half to make some whipped cream next.  Just start from the beginning and stop at Step 5.  But we’re making butter here.  So keep whipping.

Step 6
Post something nice to someone on Facebook. You might just make their day.  If you are in a Vintage Fellowship Small Group right now it’s part of your homework anyway. While you are doing that you will start to hear a slappy/splashy sound. That is the butter separating form the butter milk! It will look like this.

See the buttermilk left over?

Step 7
Pull the butter off the whisk and rinse it thoroughly, making sure to squeeze out all of the excess milk.  You can do this in a bowl squishing it with a wood spoon or just your hands under cold running water like I did.  This is actually an important step if you don’t plan to just eat that awesomeness right off the beater (you’ll be tempted).  The butter milk will make your butter go rancid more quickly if you don’t get it rinsed out.

So beautiful.  Daniel might tell you I married him so I could get this gorgeous piece of machinery.  It gives me a happy.

Step 8
Taste your butter and try not to drop dead because it’s the BEST FREAKING BUTTER YOU HAVE EVER TASTED. Vow to always make your own butter from now on. You can use it right away (I’m guessing if you baked your own bread right before you made the butter and then covered a slice of that bread in your butter the world might crack open from the awesomeness and the Mayans will have been right all along) or you can pop it in an airtight container in the fridge to harden up for later. You can also flavor it with honey or chopped up fruit or garlic or just whatever tickles your fancy.

Strain the butter milk into a mason jar because it’s cuter than a glass and you can seal it up.  I tasted it and it’s pretty yummy, not like the butter milk you buy at the store, which is cultured and tastes sour.  You can’t use this as an exact substitute for that but you CAN drink it or use it in your coffee or make ice cream with it.

This is definitely getting turned into homemade ice cream.

Daniel was sufficiently impressed with my pioneer woman skills when he got home from Guy’s Night and then I mowed the lawn on Sunday and counted it as a workout.  Lesson of the day?