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For several weeks our pastor Robb has mentioned every Sunday that maybe it would be cool if everyone dressed like Bible characters or just anyone from church history on Halloween. At first it was “Wouldn’t it be LAME if we did that?” And then “Wouldn’t it be FUNNY if we did that?” And it finally ended up the week before Halloween with “OK, I can pretty much guarantee you a few extra jewels in your crown up in Heaven if you dress up next Sunday.” Which is basically a dare. And I’m defenseless against a good dare.

So Daniel and I hemmed and hawed at the last minute trying to think up some funny costumes.

Daniel suggested I be a double rainbow, all the way.

Cause a rainbow is a Bible character.

But I didn’t have anything to make a rainbow costume. Instead Daniel used an old tunic costume he had and I used a big pretty piece of fabric from Thailand, some Mardi Gras beads and the walking stick I bought for Daniel at my family reunion year before last and a pillow for a fake baby belly.

You see, we’ve been moving through Genesis this year in church. A few months ago we came to the the story of Judah and Tamar. Quick recap–Tamar marries Judah’s son and he is struck down by God. So she marries her brother-in-law. He doesn’t want to father a child with her like he’s supposed to because it would be considered his dead brother’s kid. When he is remiss in his duties, God also strikes him down. Judah sends Tamar away and promises she can marry the other brother when he grows up. But he breaks his promise. And Tamar pretends to be a prostitute and Judah helps her get into a family way when Judah comes to town. She hangs on to his staff (family reunion walking stick) and cord (Mardi Gras beads) to prove who her Baby Daddy is when she gets a big belly and everyone in town wants to do away with her what with her no-husband-having, person-growing situation. But she busts out Judah’s belongings and he’s all “Oh yah, my bad.” The end.

Nice story, lots of lessons to be learned. By grown ups. In the sermon. For my part, it’s my responsibility to write the Kids Church lesson plans. Riiiiiiiight. So Robb attempted to tell me right before this lesson came up how important it was for me to be planning my lessons on EXACTLY what we were studying in church each week. But he couldn’t even keep a straight face through the first sentence. And the kids sang Father Abraham and glued macaroni to construction paper. Not really. I don’t actually have them do macaroni crafts but I think maybe I should now that I mention it. hmmm

Anyway. In closing, the scenario Sunday morning went like this.

We were totally late for church and walked in the door in our super costumes just as Robb was saying that he really thought more people would come dressed up but no one did. Except for my friend Wendy who dressed up as Michelle Duggar and I didn’t even get to see her. Boo. Enter us:

And cue the laughter. Someone asked if we were Mary and Joseph and, instead of answering, I glared around, shook my stick and beads, pointed to my belly and glared at Daniel. After a beat Robb yelled out “You’re Judah and Tamar?!?!?” It was awesome.

And then all my Sunday school kids thought I was actually pregnant and kept asking me if I was having a boy baby or a girl baby. Less awesome.

But we ended the morning with my new favorite quote of all time coming from Robb.

“Nobody dresses up like a fake prostitute like you, Erin.”

It’s true.

Nobody does.

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I haven’t posted in over a month, bad blogger, how very indicative of my lack of follow through and an ironic example of the whole reason I started this blog yada yada yada. Ok, now that that’s out of the way let’s continue like it never happened. Also sort of an ironic example of my character flaws. Moving right along.

This month is apparently National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo aka “The theme with the most awkward and sort of dirty sounding acronym ever” month. Even though the name is a little bit lame and I’m 3 days late starting I’m going to attempt to take part. I haven’t actually read anything about it yet other than I’m supposed to make a commitment to post every day of the month of November. That might be a little bit difficult logistically speaking during Fake Thanksgiving and Actual Thanksgiving but I’ll figure something out.

I don’t really have a reason for not blogging, I just haven’t sat down to do it. Every time I’ve had some free time I’ve been obsessively playing New Super Mario Bros on the Wii. But this last weekend was Halloween and I resolved to write a little something about the kick-off to the Holiday Season. Mostly because of something disturbing Daniel and I encountered at his DJ cousin’s big annual Halloween Bash.

OK, I’m accustomed to the concept of a majority of girls’ Halloween costumes being “Slutty _____”. Especially college girls. I usually prefer to think up something witty or culturally relevant so I wish I could say I’ve never partaken in this (newish?) tradition. Sadly I cannot honestly make that assertion. I had some friends in college who I’m still quite close to today who threw epic parties. EPIC. One year for the Halloween party we all had a meeting and wrote costume ideas on little pieces of paper and put them in a bowl. My suggestion was “Bertha the Bald-Headed Ballerina” but, sadly, no one pulled that one from the bowl since we all made multiple suggestions. I drew “naughty nurse.” Very inspired. But I am a slave to the rules of the game when it comes to theme parties so I scoured the earth and located an actual vintage nurse’s uniform. I hemmed the HECK out of it so that it was so short if I bent over slightly you’d see the bright red boy shorts I purchased for the occasion and borrowed a lacy red push-up bra from a friend. I felt very daring. But that pales in comparison to the travesty I witnessed last Friday night.

Daniel and I were hanging out at the club checking out everyone’s costumes when a “Dorothy” started walking our direction. She wore a little white top with poofy cap sleeves that was just big enough to cover her girls. I leaned over and yelled in Daniel’s ear over the music “I’ve seen lingerie bigger than that!” And then she passed us by and my eyeballs almost caught fire. The following is what I saw:

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

That is not a costume. Those are SEQUINED UNDIES! Which, BTW, just makes me itchy to even think about. I’m not totally sure what the little bowed bands are supposed to be, garters I think. Home girl doesn’t even know those are supposed to be holding up stockings. Or maybe it’s supposed to be worn that way. Who knows? I’m sure not Googling it.

I guess I can’t judge too much. I did, after all grab my boyfriends arm and scream “You have GOT to take a picture of her @$$!!!!” I was self-aware enough to realize immediately what a weird thing that is to ask of your boyfriend but I couldn’t help myself. My mind was blown. So many questions. Does she KNOW that it’s almost November and COLD outside? And yet she chose to leave the house in pretty much nothing but panties? What, exactly, was she hoping to accomplish by dressing this way? I don’t think I’m a prude. I have no problem with the human body. It’s a beautiful thing. I don’t necessarily think poorly of women who dress provocatively in public. I do wonder WHY? I just can’t relate. Maybe if I were as fit as this young woman I’d feel differently but I don’t think so. Still, I do have one major problem with this concept.

You probably think, from the direction this seems to be going, that I’m about to launch into a tirade either about modesty or about the right of a woman to walk down the street buck neckid and not have it be sexualized because women aren’t just sexual creatures created for the enjoyment of men everywhere. But that’s not where this is going.

Some things are just too sacred to mess with for me.

I don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.
I do not tolerate vegetables or fungus on my pizza.
Don’t touch me with your feet.
And DO NOT.
Under ANY circumstances.
In any way, shape or form.
And I mean EVER.

Disrespect anything that is involved with, pertains to or represents The Wizard of Oz.

Dorothy Gale is a sweet little innocent farm girl.
She should not be part of your disgusting little perv fantasy.

If I had been a little bit tipsy I might very well have waltzed up to her half-naked self and given her a lecture on how to pay proper respect to the classic works of Mr. L. Frank Baum and the iconic image of the radiant Judy Garland.

Instead I was just too distracted trying not scratch my behind just thinking about sequined undies.

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Happy fun things and things and crummy ones.

I got to visit my sister and her kids, my grandma and my brother and some of his kids last weekend. It was really nice. Driving around my college town in the cooling weather made me nostalgic. I hadn’t been on a road trip by myself in a long time. Heck, I haven’t BEEN by myself for more than a few hours in ages. I’m very busy and important. AKA over scheduled. So it was nice to just be alone in my thoughts for a few hours at a time.

My sister and I got to talking about how we’ve both gained some weight in the last few months and have been having trouble staying motivated to lose it. We’ve both done well on Weight Watchers in the past (she went to meetings but I never did) but it hasn’t been doing the trick lately because we just can’t seem to stay motivated. . We talked about a few other tactics we’ve heard of but nothing seemed to fit. So the next morning my sister gets up and around and looks at me across the kitchen with a glint in her eye. She had an idea. A brilliant idea. Last year we started a tradition in our family for some of the girls to go Christmas shopping together in Branson and we’re going to go the first week in December this year. So my sister and I are having our own version of the Biggest Loser.

Rules:

  1. We both have to lose at least 10lbs by the shopping trip or the competition is void.
  2. Whoever loses the most between now and when we go shopping gets her portion of the hotel room paid for by the other sister

Voila! We’re both going to join Weight Watchers and go to the meetings and we are going to rock this joint! My personal goal is to lose between 12 and 17lbs. We started on Monday so that gives us almost 11 weeks. At the very minimum, if I lose a pound a week plus a few ounces I’ll make my goal. I think 1.5-2lbs a week is a healthy amount for sustaining weight loss so I’m pretty confident that it’s doable! And then we’re going to be some smokin’ hot sisters come Christmas-time!

So I’ve been counting my points this week and doing pretty well. Which brings me to the crummy item on today’s list.

I really like Red Delicious apples. They are just so crisp and juicy. I like to put them in the fridge. Cold is best when it comes to apples in my book. Not so with oranges. Oranges should be room temperature. And I put salt on them. But I didn’t buy an orange yesterday. I bought an apple. A nice, dark, red one. And put it in the crisper of the fridge at work next to the rest of my food: my lunch, my bag of bagels and cream cheese for breakfast. I was thinking about that apple all day yesterday but had a meeting in another town in the afternoon so I didn’t get to have it as my snack. After grocery shopping last night I was hungry and seriously wishing I had just brought it home. I definitely should have.

Because something terrible happened.

I thought about the apple all day today too. Just waiting and waiting for my afternoon tummy grumble that meant it was snack time. I spend a VERY long time working on some stuff with one of my bosses and FINALLY we finished and off I went to get my apple to de-stress from my crazy to-do list.

But it wasn’t in the fridge.

I walked back to my desk and stood there sort of lost and confused. Then I went back to the fridge to look again. I moved things around. I picked up jugs of milk because apples are so magical they could hide underneath a jug of milk, right? But no. My apple was gone.

Somebody ate my apple. Somebody STOLE my apple.

HOW does a person do that? What on earth makes someone feel so entitled that they think they can just take whatever they want, whenever they want it just because they feel like it? I am utterly shocked and appalled.

So I, of course, sent an email to the entire office explaining how I was very sad because I had been dreaming about my rosy red delicious apple all day and, alas, it was nowhere to be found. But maybe it just went on a little trip and would be back in its drawer in the morning. Except it might have sounded slightly less passive aggressive. Or it might not have. I was royally ticked off. I hit send and moments later hear laughing all over the office. I then get a handful of responses telling me how I am oh-so “Fun” and “Hilarious.”

I am not fun or hilarious. I am a hungry dieting woman who was looking forward to a 1 point snack. And some Skank stole it from me. Also, I’m cheap. I budget my month down to a ZERO every month just like Dave Ramsey taught me (I try to/mean to anyway). There is not a penny that I don’t have specific plans for. They might as well have opened up my purse and pulled a couple of bucks out of my wallet. Since when is it OK to act like little children who don’t know any better in the workplace?!?! *Expletive of Frustration*

What I really want to do right now is take a nice hot bubble bath and read a comfort book. You know, the ones I’ve read over and over. Except I can’t. Because I made a pledge (sort of). And I can’t self medicate with Laura Ingalls Wilder. And all the books I have lined up at home ready to read are serious ones. Somehow I don’t think any of these would lift my spirits.



Hmmm…first real bump in the whole “only new books for 6 months” thing. It’s like trying to resist chocolate cake.

Dangit.

Now I want chocolate cake too.

Posted by & filed under Gardening, The Homestead.

I usually don’t buy plants at full price. I wait for the people at Lowe’s or Home Depot or wherever to pretty much kill them and then put them on the “Almost Dead” rack. Then I pay 25cents for them and either nurse them back to health or I finish the job and they end up in my compost heap.

Yesterday was the first time in ages that I’d been to Lowe’s because a) I would definitely kill anything new that I planted in this heat just as I killed 99% of the plants already on my deck in the past few weeks and b) I just really didn’t need to be spending money on more plants. I have a birthday party to prepare for, people! But because of said birthday party it really IS time to fix the running toilet.

A plumber friend at church offered months ago to fix it if I’d just go buy a “Tank to Bowl Kit.” OK. I can do that. If there is something called a kit and all I have to do is ask for it at Lowe’s I’m golden. I was even more excited to realize that such a kit is less than $5! The teenage boy in the plumbing section even said it was a one-size situation. Even better! But I’m cautious (ok, paranoid) about that kind of thing so I asked him “Are you SURE this will fit any size toilet?” and he returned from asking another employee with the answer “Probably, but maybe not.” Instead of buying both sizes and returning the one that doesn’t fit, I decided I’d let my plumber friend come look at my toilet and tell me which to get. At which time I will go get the correct size while he takes apart my ancient toilet. Problem solved; now it’s time to go look at the crispy plants!

So while I was checking out a very meager selection, Daniel was noticing that a particular section of plants was swarming with butterflies and bees while none of the other plants were getting much attention. Since he was getting really excited about the butterfly bushes and we had a disappointing showing around the garden this summer when it came to the precious little pollinators I suggested we get one. The big sizes were marked to $16.95 or something like that but the smaller ones didn’t have a price anywhere. So another high school boy/Lowe’s employee came along to get us a price check.

And it rang up as $1.91.
“Did you say $11.91,” I asked skeptically.
“Nope,” says another high school boy. “They’re $1.91.”
“…..”
“DANIEL! Get 3 more!”

Four plants for less than what one of them probably should have cost! That is the kind of thing that makes me just giddy.

Because I might have someone out to grind up a stump right where they’ll be going they aren’t planted yet but here they are patiently awaiting their new home.So pretty!

My photography skills leave a little to be desired and they’re pretty small not but THIS is what they WILL look like.
And they have a really fast growth-rate. We were at some friends’ house for a party last night and coincidentally they had a butterfly bush in their yard that they bought last year. When they planted it it was a foot tall. now it’s about 6 feet.

I also finally remembered to go to the park and pick up a few horse apples for decoration. I have meant to do that every year for 3 years and I finally remembered!

Saturday was a pretty dandy day!